So many prospects, so little time. Some of these are jokes -- at least you hope so.
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Premature Ejaculation Spray
1 hour ago
Friday, November 20, 2009
Personal Ads Of The Day
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Commercial Of The Day: Dildocorn Pony (NSFW)
This is crude, foul and inappropriate. In other words, perfect for LOTD. Enjoy!
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Quiz Of The Day: Are You An Asshole?
30 from a list of 100+ at TheDipstop.com
If you make fun of a sports team for 10 years and then when they suddenly do well, you jump on the bandwagon and act as if you've always been a fan... you are an asshole!
If you take up two parking spaces for one car... you are an asshole! (unless you have to get your wheelchair out of your car)
If you fart while passing in front of people in the movie theater... you are an asshole!
If you complain about the government, yet don't vote... you are an asshole!
If you drive 50 mph in the far left lane on the highway and don't notice all the cars backed up behind you... you are an asshole!
If you complain about the price of gas, yet drive a car that gets eight miles per gallon... you are an asshole!
If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair...you are an asshole!
If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don't read because you don't have time... you are an asshole!
If you commit a crime, get caught and sent to prison, but think it is unfair... you are an asshole!
If you send chain letters of any kind (this includes those stupid e-mails that you are going to make a ton of money or some sick child will benefit because so-and-so company will track your e-mails even though that is impossible)... you are an asshole!
If you are Kanye West... you are an asshole!
If you put your makeup on while driving... you are an asshole!
If you blast your horn at the driver in front of you a split second after the light turns green... you are an asshole!
If you stay in the movie theater while your baby screeches his head off... you are an asshole!
If you have a lame homepage that takes forever to download because you have cheesy music and way too many graphics... you are an asshole!
If you think welfare is an occupation... you are an asshole!
If you talk shit about people without knowing the whole story... you're an asshole!
If you complain about your weight problem and still eat at McDonalds... you are an asshole!
If you yell at people on t.v. to do something even though you know they can't hear you... you are an asshole!
If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupid answers...you are an asshole!
If you loudly entertain the whole bus/park/lobby/ beach/neighborhood with your boom box, car stereo or iPod blasting so loud in your ears that we can all still hear it... you are an asshole!
If you call for a pizza, tell the guy to hold, then ask what everybody wants...you are an asshole!
If you write "U" instead of "you," or "sux" instead of "sucks," or "klik" instead of "click" or "kreative" instead of "creative"...you are an asshole!
If you think welfare is an occupation...you are an asshole!
If you ask every Asian person you meet, "Do you know karate?"... you are an asshole!
If you think only women should cook...you are an asshole!
If you hold people up in line at the store to pay for a one dollar pack of gum with a credit card... you are an asshole!
If you ask someone a question but don't listen to the answer...you are an asshole!
When you are the boss and send out an email telling everyone in the office to show up on time and then stroll in 30 minutes late everyday and leave at 10 to five...you are an asshole!
If you make a list of what constitutes an asshole... you are an asshole!
Got any to add to the list?
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Thursday, November 19, 2009
Classic 80s Music Videos Of The Day: Ultravox
Stuart mentioned Midge Ure, which made me think of Ultravox. Then Wendy requested "Vienna," so this one's for her:
This one's for me.
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Headlines Of The Day
All from the Leno show, which I don't watch, because I'm betting these are the only funny thing on there.
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Marching Band Of The Day (video)
Interesting choice. And I thought it was weird when we had to learn "Sir Duke" in junior high band.
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12 Eyepatch Heroes Of The Day
From Maxim.com. They forgot the man in the Hathaway shirt. And wasn't there a patch-wearing baddie in The Road Warrior?
ELLE DRIVER (Kill Bill)
Quentin Tarantino's parade of slutty Halloween costumes in Kill Bill reached its zenith with the lovely Elle (especially in "Nurse mode"). While she's good with the sword, she's bad with the balls: she loses one eye to Pai Mei, her martial arts trainer, and loses the other to The Bride (Uma Thurman) in a classically gory bit of QT magic.
SLICK RICK
After broken glass blinded him in one eye as a child, the ostentatious '80s rapper recognized the patch as both a trademark and another surface to bedazzle with zirconium. With heavily referenced hits like "La Di Da Di" and "Children's Story," we'd call him the best one-eyed rapper ever, but that's not really saying much (unless you're Bushwick Bill from the Geto Boys).
MIKHAIL BAKUNIN (Lost)
Although he defies death on the cult TV series several times, he fails to keep both eyes in his head, and also fails to let go of a live grenade, a move that quickly proves fatal (we think). Although a classic villain whose name references a 19th Century Russian anarchist, he is referred to by devoted fans of the show as, simply, "Patchy." Yes. That's all they could come up with.
SNAKE PLISSKEN (Escape From New York)
As Purple-Hearted U.S. Army Lieutenant gone nihilist badass Snake Plissken, Kurt Russell is the definitive hard case whether staring down Issac Hayes in Manhattan or shrugging off the world's most deplorable special effects in L.A. Russell would once again sport a patch as Captain Ron, but disappoints us by never once chucking a Chinese star into anyone's forehead in that trainwreck.
COMMANDER FRANCESCA "FRANKY" COOK (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)
We've seen Angelina in a variety of fantasy-fueling outfits, but there's something about her uniformed, one-eyed Royal Navy ass-kicker that's 100-percent fetish-approved. This film dumps the sci-fi kitchen sink all over the screen (blimps, dinosaur-like creatures, flying robots, some Jude Law for the ladies), so why did it bomb? Maybe because she loses her eye instead of her shirt.
GENERAL CHANG (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)
Bonus badass points: Chang doesn't strap an eyepatch to his head—he bolts it to his fucking face! To prove Klingons are a civilized, if warring, race, Chang ends up quoting Shakespeare's Hamlet as a photon torpedo destroys his ship, even though he previously assasinated his former boss, Chancellor Gorkon, so thoroughly that not even Bones could revive the dude.
DANGERMOUSE (DangerMouse)
This British secret agent from the '80s cartoon series admits that he doesn't need the eye patch, but wears it because it's part of the suit and because he clearly understands its power. Although fluent in many terrestrial (and some extraterrestrial) languages, he can only muster the catchphrase "Good Grief!" which should have led to a cage match with Charlie Brown. Nevertheless, after a hugely successful run in Britain, the series made it to Nick at Nite, where it picked up yet another cult following of sugar-shocked American kids and nostalgic stoners.
PETE BURNS (Dead or Alive)
Hold on. We know what you're thinking, "Isn't this the disco pirate who infected us with 'You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) for most of the '80s?" And, well, you're right. But think about it—Burns would have been just another forgettable Rick Astley-alike if not for the trademark face decor. His songs and his hair said, "Hello, sailor!" His eyepatch said, "No, seriously, when do we set sail?"
EMILIO LARGO (Thunderball)
The one-eyed Godfather to anyone with the temerity to strap on a patch, Largo set the standard as SPECTRE Number Two in the Bond classic, Thunderball. All patch wearers are, at one point or another, placed against this atomic bomb-stealing badass. Mike Myers knew this, as you'll see in, well, one more entry or so…
LISA "LEFT EYE" LOPES (TLC)
Does wearing a condom on your eye count? Because it should. Initially explained as her super-important statement about practicing safe sex and taking personal responsibility, she went on to burn down boyfriend/Atlanta Falcons star Andre Rison's house. Thanks for the advice.
NUMBER TWO (Austin Powers series)
Rob Lowe/Robert Wagner shared duties as the young/old versions of Number Two in the Austin Powers series. The consigliere of Dr. Evil's empire, his dastardly eye patch has a doubly dastardly sight-enhancing camera, which allows him to cheat at cards. Frickin' villains: is there no end to their villainy?
PHIL KEN SEBBEN (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law)
Formerly Falcon 7, the guy who would brief galactic superhero Harvey Birdman remotely, Charlie's Angels style, Phil Ken Sebben is now president of Birdman's law firm, Sebben & Sebben. Power mad, deranged, and fond of that "sissy European lisp thingy," Sebben proves that people will take anyone seriously if they sport the patch. Anyone.
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